much too frequently i either utter or think the phrase: i hate my life. sometimes, when pedaling through wind and rain on a much too full stomach running late for work, that phrase is even followed by: so so so so so much. and then a grunt.
in the recent past i realized that i cannot hate my life, when i have no life. because this phrase too exits my mouth/brain.
and it's true. i have nothing to show. nothing to tell. i don't have a present to live in. the times i live in are the past and the future. i swim in glorious memories of times past till my skin is wrinkled, and then i wrap myself in the towel of the future - so warm, cozy; full of love, joy, and life; with promises of dreams and longings fulfilled.
sometime during 2009/2010, i would often say, quite loudly actually, if i remember correctly, the single word: life. followed by, not a grunt, but a sigh. one of those given-up-on-life sighs. my beautiful (inside and out) room mate, amy, would, rather justified, be disgruntled by my not-so-subtle outbursts of negativity, and asked me kindly (probably not kindly. but the way parents authoritatively, yet lovingly demand.) to stop this. so i decided to use the word socks instead. which didn't have the same effect on me. and then life got better.
ironically, most of my socks are currently falling apart.
i live in a cave. that started out as a room my dad had redone completely before i moved in. new floors. white walls. new bedding. i created the cave. in the cave i want to do nothing. and nothing is what i do. i sit there. on my bed. eating candy. yes, candy. almost every single day. watching tv shows on my computer. keeping track of all the shows i'm catching up on. right before the sand runs out i hurry and get ready for work (while watching tv of course), and rush there. and then back. into the cave. where i hide. from the world. and wallow. wallow in my nothingness.
i feel that i have come to a point where i can relate to the emos. and that, my friends, is where it ends. that is where i draw the line.
i keep telling myself i can't do anything. so i don't. but i can. so i need to. desperately need to.
2012 has been the worst year of my life. and i say that with certainty. even though it's not even over yet. having said that, i've had a pretty good life. compared to the majority of the world.
i am determined to, inasmuch as i can control it, keep 2012 as my worst year.
and as i am writing this, i seem to remember writing something similar after 2011. but it got worse. so. there's only one thing to do: break the cycle.
there.
i just needed to get those rambles out. let the phoenix burn ya know. time to rise, and to morph into another creature. like a cow. i like cows. and no. i'm not high. nor do i have adhd.
bye.
lene b. i just needed to tell you. i am seriously empathizing with this post more than you know. i have no job. no family around. no friends over here. no purpose in life. honestly, for the past few months i haven't been able to stop thinking about how i don't even need to get out of bed in the morning because it wouldn't make a difference at all. i hate how hard life is sometimes.
ReplyDeletelong story short, i feel what you are going through. and it really, really sucks.
but. in the past few days i've decided that all of this free time (slash boredom slash depression...) might actually be put to good use. i made a list of all the things i've always wanted to do but have never had time to do and i'm trying to actually do them. like learn to sew, learn to bake (i'm so domestic...), learn about nutrition (like seriously learn about it), and learn the scriptures hardcore.
it's hard though... i think that once you get into the habit of doing nothing because you don't have to do anything, it's easier to keep doing what you're used to even though it makes you unhappy. and by you i mean me.
can we be happier together? i would just love that. i want you to be happy. and i want me to be happy. so let's just make that happen.
i love you lene b. so, so much. YOU are my hero.
Break it, break it, break it, break it, break it....!!! You BREAK that cycle, Lene! One thing I've learned is to focus on the things that are good. Having a gratitude journal, saying prayers where you only allow yourself to thank Heavenly Father for your blessings, and saying two positive things after every negative thing you say (particularly when these things are about yourself). Those are things that have been working for me.
ReplyDeleteCheck out this news article: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=1010&sid=20353717. She came to speak to our stake a few weeks ago and it really made me re-think a lot. Your life is a gift from a loving Heavenly Father who sent us here to have joy. Find ways to make that joy a greater part of your life.
You rock, Lene. I hope 2013 is the best year yet!! One thing you need to know is that you are such a powerful influence on the people around you. You have changed SO much about how I see myself and for that you should feel happy. You are incredible, I hope you can see that with every aspect of your life.
lenny, i did not know this blog existed and am LOVING reading it! and this post was hilarious to me. I didn't really read all of it so it strikes me that it might be highly offensive that i think this post is hilarious. but...here's my point: i love that your socks are falling apart, literally. get some new ones! you are never one to skirt yourself on having the things you need. so buy some new socks---and realize that new socks can make a difference. I love you to the moon my sister.
ReplyDeletehahaha. rereading and still laughing out loud. i'm not high. nor do i have adhd.
ReplyDelete